It's A Beginning
by Huurreturkki
Summary: "You won't get an apology that easy, but it's a beginning." Yes it is. For getting back her trust. Getting back our friendship.


**Author's Note: **_Post finale, spoilers for 4x23 and 4x24.  
_

_Wanted to write about Jane's and Lisbon's relationship (mostly friendship) and how Jane's actions might have affected their friendship and the trust between them and what are they going to do about it. Also wanted to add Van Pelt here so enjoy everyone :) ! English isn't my mother tongue, so I apologize for mistakes. Also I'd love to hear what do you think! Bonbon forever and thanks :) !_

_I don't own The Mentalist._

* * *

**_It's A Beginning  
_**

**_Van Pelt's POV_**

I look at him making his tea like he used to. It's been six months since we saw him the last time, but still, seeing him here doing things he used to do every single night, it suddenly looks like he's never been away. It's strange to see him here acting like nothing happened. Like he never left, like everything's alright now.

Which brings me back to why I'm here. Although we all hoped him to come back and are happy that he's okay and back here with us, I'm not going to overlook the way he treated boss after all she's done for him. I'm not so sure if he's even properly said thank your or said he's sorry.

Like he really means it.

"Jane, we need to talk."

He slowly turns around and seems a bit surprised to see me behind him. I'm sure he thought I'd be Lisbon coming to ask if he was okay. He treats Lisbon like a puppy sometimes, waits for her to follow him every time. I'm sick of it, the way he treats Lisbon because he knows she's not going to leave.

She never gives up on anyone and he counts on that.

"Grace, what is it?"

We walk back to the empty bullpen and he sits down on his couch. He seems very pleased with himself and very comfortable and relaxed sitting there sipping his tea. Like nothing has happened. I know he's been through a lot, but so have we, and I can't control my anger anymore.

"Did you ever even think about us, when you decided to go on with your plan? Did you ever think about boss? How you'd hurt her?"

He seems to be a bit shocked by my hostile approach. I know I should feel sorry for him because he has been through a lot, but… He slowly sips his tea and is silent for a while.

"Yes, I did", he starts quietly. "But I had to do this. If I told you what I was planning, Red John would've known that it was all an act. I had to fool you all, so that I could fool him too."

"It's always about Red John isn't it?" I say before I can stop myself. He lifts his gaze and studies my face with an unreadable mask.

But I continue before he has a chance to speak.

"You want to know what boss was like all this time you were gone? Well, maybe it was easy for you, being in Vegas and playing your act, drinking and going out with Lorelei –"

He flinches from a mention of her name.

"- but Lisbon was all alone. You left her. She was there for you every single time and you left her. With no explanations, no excuses, no nothing. You just left. You didn't even give her a chance to say goodbye."

He has lowered his gaze and seems ashamed and I feel a pang of guilt.

"I know you wanted to catch Red John, Jane", I say with a softer voice. "And Lisbon knows that too. But you weren't here to see her. She tried to call you daily. At least five times a day. She filled your voicemail with her messages. And when she finally realized that she couldn't find you, couldn't make you answer, couldn't bring you back or couldn't find out, if you were okay, she just…gave up."

Now Jane's looking at me. I can see sadness in his eyes and he has no smile on his face. I sit next to him on the couch and take his hand and give it a light squeeze. He doesn't pull away.

"She stopped smiling. She was all about work. She didn't want to talk about anything with us, she shut us all out. Sometimes she looked like she was only half alive. She stopped doing her hair, stopped putting on some makeup… She didn't sleep well or eat well. She was so hurt, that the one she trusted left her. It wasn't easy for her to open up in the first place, to trust other people but she learnt to trust you, and you let her down. It was awful to see her suffer like that, retreat back to her shell. We tried to help her, but we knew we couldn't. There was only one person to help her, and he wasn't here."

"I'm sorry", Jane whispers and I can see the pain in his eyes. Now I feel sorry for making him feel like this. "But it wasn't easy for me too", he continues with a sad expression on his face. "Seeing her calling every day and not being able to answer. Trying to look like I've lost it for six months. And feeling sorry for deceiving you all. Well, it's a bit too late now, but I had to do this. I had to make sacrifices to catch Red John. And I still failed."

"I'm sorry too", I whisper back and we sit silently for a while.

"But you should listen to her messages. To see how worried she's been. "

He just sits there for a while and then pulls his phone from his pocket. He stares at it for a long time.

"I'm not so sure I want to hear those messages, Grace."

His voice is sad and a bit scared too. I take his hand and squeeze it a little again.

"We can listen to them together, if you want", I offer gently. "But I want you to listen to them. And after that, go apologize to Lisbon. She deserves it."

He lifts his gaze and gives me a weak smile.

"You still angry with me?" he asks and I shake my head.

"No. As long as you remember that if you hurt her ever again, I won't be this understanding. She's a wonderful boss and amazing friend and she's been through a lot too. I don't want to see her betrayed ever again. You know she deserves better."

"Yeah", he answers quietly and looks away. "I know."

I squeeze his hand one more time and leave.

* * *

**_Jane's POV_**

I retreat back to my attic and take my phone out again. It stares at me back black and frightening. I really don't want to do this, but Grace is right. Lisbon deserves way better and I should apologize to her properly but being able to do that I have to know just how much I hurt her. I betrayed her, the one that means the most to me. Although I knew how hard it is for her to trust people, I betrayed her. The trust we had been building for years was shattered into a million pieces.

I'm already feeling a bit sick as I bring my phone to my ear.

200 messages. She never did give up on me. She tried to the very end, tried to save me, save our friendship.

How stupid can a man be? Was this crazy plan worth this? Failing the one whom I care the most?

The first messages are worried. She's worried where I am and what am I going to do and I should call her right away. When I didn't answer to them, next messages are a lot more worried. Don't do anything rash, are you okay, where are you, let me help you. Please give me a sign that you're okay, that you're alive.

I can feel the fear in her voice. She really thought that I'd do something rash. But kill myself?

Well, how could she have known? When I didn't answer anything, when I just disappeared?

Messages keep on coming and going. After the worried messages come the angry ones. Where she coldly tells me how selfish I am, that she can't sleep or eat well when she has to worry about me and she's sick of doing that. Why can't I answer? Is this what her friendship meant to me? So much that I can't even answer her.

Then come the desperate ones. Where she begs me to talk to her, to tell her I'm alright. She promises to do almost anything. She just wants to know if I'm okay. She wants to help. She wants to show that our friendship meant more to her than this. That she can't give up on me.

And it starts all over again. Messages just keep on going and I sit there for a long while listening to them. Her fear, her sadness, her pain, her anger, her disappointment, her care, her everything. She really is a Saint Teresa. I left without a word, left my best friend behind and broke all the trust we had. And she still tried to contact me.

Although as Grace said, in the end, she finally gave up. I made her give up on me.

She really deserves better than that.

As the messages finally end I just sit there and slowly lower the phone from my ear. There's a huge lump in my throat and I feel hot around the eyes.

Oh, Teresa.

* * *

She sits in her office doing paperwork. I knock on the door and she lifts her head and gives me a small smile.

"You okay?" she asks after a while studying my face. After all this, she still worries about me. I know that I'm the one whose family got killed, I'm the one who failed catching Red John and I'm the one who suffers. But as I look at her honest eyes, I realize that it's not always about me.

She suffers alongside with me. Sometimes maybe just as much as I do.

She's now standing in front me looking more worried since I haven't said a word. Then I lean over and wrap my arms around her and pull her close.

She's shocked. I can feel the tension in her body, the way she awkwardly pats me in the back. I can almost hear her brain ticking and trying to understand what's happening. I hug her even more tightly and finally her body starts to relax a bit and that's when I pull away.

She just stands there bewildered and clears her throat a bit embarrassed.

"Just wanted to say that I'm sorry, Teresa."

She raises her eyebrows confused.

"I listened to your messages."

Actually I didn't mean to say that out loud. Her eyes widen and she looks away quickly.

"You shouldn't have", she says and I can see her blushing a little. "I mean, I was really worried back then and I may have sounded a bit crazy in those messages. I never meant to leave that many messages, you know. I'm sorry."

I stare at her dumbstruck. She's the one apologizing here?

But then she turns her eyes back to mine and gives me a crooked smile.

"But I hope you feel at least a bit guilty. You know, I would never have left those messages if you haven't left in the first place so I think you deserved them."

I don't answer and I can see her smile slowly fading away like she's thinking did she go too far. But then I just laugh and take her hand.

"You're right my dear, I did deserve it. And now you deserve some Chinese food. Come on, this time it's on me."

She's still a bit bewildered from sudden emotions but when she sees my smile, I can see the usual glint returning to her eyes and she rolls her eyes smiling. She squeezes my hand a bit, encouraging.

"You won't get an apology that easy, but it's a beginning."

Yes it is. For getting back her trust.

Getting back our friendship.

* * *

**_Van Pelt's POV_**

I see them leaving the bullpen together, hand in hand, like that day in the desert. Jane's telling Lisbon something and she smiles and makes her sarcastic comments every now and then. When they reach the elevator they're already arguing about something, but it's their usual banter.

It sounds so good to hear them together. Hear them bantering and laughing and seeing them both smile. And although they both try to look annoyed by each other – especially Lisbon, like usually, rolling her eyes at everything Jane says – but they can't hide their smiles and I can see how much they really enjoy their playful banter.

When they get to the elevator and leave the building I sit for a while on my chair and stare at the computer screen. It's been a long time since I've seen Lisbon so happy and I feel so frustrated. Why does everything have to be so hard?

Lisbon and Jane, they're like family to me and I wish nothing more than to see them happy. They're both so broken, so fragile and the two people that deserve happiness more than anyone else. They are meant for each other and they should be able to live a normal happy life together.

But life isn't fair. To any of us. There's a heavy shadow over our little family and I know we can't be truly happy until this is over. And I know Lisbon and Jane can never be together until that shadow is gone.

Luckily there are still some things that give us hope, give us some little rays of light.

Like that moment, when Jane took Lisbon's hand and never let it go. And when she didn't pull away.

It was a beginning.

Once again.


End file.
